BBB AUTISM SUPPORT NETWORK/
AUTISM SOCIETY ONTARIO
(YORK REGION CHAPTER)
What We Love About Our Spouses
With Contributions by BBB Autism Network Members:
Lynn, Becca, Bernie, Liz, Gabrielle, Vicky, Bev, Michelle, Khris, Susan and Wendy
I LOVE that my husband loves my kids. (3)
* I LOVE that he was doing Floortime with J. before I even knew it existed
* I LOVE that he reads to our kids (2)
* I LOVE that he notices and supports all my efforts in autism education and awareness
* I LOVE that he suggested I might want to go back to school to study this field (4)
* I LOVE that he planned a romantic weekend/activity for our anniversary (3)
He likes to bake/cook/prepare frozen entrees (4)
* He will do laundry! (2)
* He will do dishes! (2)
* He wants to do whatever will help A.!
* He has a fantastic work ethic!
* He is friendly and outgoing!
* He is talented with all things mechanical! This is important for saving money on car repairs!
He's never let me down once when I needed him.
* He waters my plants for me.
* He participates in all the kids activities, plays, T Ball, soccer games.... etc.
* He's very romantic...but I won't go there
* He’s my best friend and October 19th will be our 10th Anniversary!!
* He's the one who deals with most of the teachers and school staff for all our special needs kidlets bringing with him my instructions and my notes.
*I think it really helps that we understand (and respect) our individual coping styles.
* ...Never learned to change a diaper until we had our first baby, but he became a pro at it anyway.
…Always gives me a card on special days because flowers make me sneeze
* ...Is very good at taking advice on child care issues, doesn't take it as an insult
* ...Doesn't take it personally when I say "it comes from your family"
* ...Lets me sleep when I just have to (2)
* ...taught me how to drive and didn't flinch even once
* ...Lets me stay home to care for the children, even when the money is tight
...Loves my family as much as I do
* ...likes to spend time with me, even if it is just cutting back the weeds in the back yard
* ...let me learn to cut his hair
* ...assumes that I didn't meant it the way it sounded
He is the knot that keeps my bungee-cord personality from flying out of
* Our 15th anniversary is in September. We will celebrate our "family birthday" by taking the children out of school for the day and attending a popular county fair in our area. I also might get my wedding ring sized up so I can wear it!
* He does bathrooms, showers and ovens.
* He cleans up the kitchen even when I really make a big mess.
* He takes care of the bills and picks up the mail.
* He doesn't get mad (any more) when I start five things at once.
* Has a strong sense of family.
* We brainstorm ideas to deal with certain situations with Thomas.
* He kisses, hugs and plays with our boys.
* He works nights and watches the kids when I go to work part-time at 7:00 am.
* He follows the way that I handle T. that is he learns from my actions.
* His intelligence - he learned all about computers and video editing all on his own.
* He doesn't get mad when I want to go on BBB Autism and it's - what time is it now- 12:35 am.
I love the fact that he loves wilderness and nature as much as I do.
* I love the fact that he loves art.
* He is my best critic and so supportive of my paintings.
* And he is so proud of his children.
He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY
* We are best Friends
* He is an Excellent DAD
* He roots for me even when I can't root for myself.
* Has much more confidence in ME than I do
* Is always bragging about his children and his wife
* Lets me drone on and on when I am in "Autism Mode" lol
* Has mostly accepted that I am "ADD" and doesn't get on my case when I am scatter brained or disorganized (he has gotten used to this LOL)
* Since his hours are crazy at work - he wants the aupair here to give me a break and insists that we have back up sitters so we can spend quality time together when ever possible.
* Usually goes off the diet we keep trying to stay on at the same time as me lol - he is very understanding on the weight loss issue. (2)
*I love the fact that he gave me
the most beautiful child in the world.
* I love how much he loves our child
* I love him for the way he picked up our lives (especially mine) and continued on when we received the heart-breaking news of a PDD diagnosis.
* I love the way he struggled day after day for every benefit our child has right now when I was too shattered to even say the word/words, PDD/Autism.
* I love the way he looks when he's asleep.
love how he makes me smile
* I love the way he lets my kids call him daddy (we are not marred yet)
* I love how he will let me lock myself in the bedroom on a bad day
* I love the way he let me get someone to help me with the house even thow we can't aford it
* I love the way I get to sleep in on sundays and wake up to breakfast
* I love the way he will come home and make dinner
* I love how hi keeps his job so he can be home by 3 instead of taking the higher paying one and being gone all the time
What Drives Us Nuts About Our Spouses
* He gets to sleep late on the weekends, and I have to get up
* He has a short fuse when it comes to A.
* He thinks A. will "get better"
* He has a hard time acknowledging he is wrong.
* He won't learn things about how to help A... I will tell him things I have learned and he will say, "Well I will just do it my way as it works for me!" AARRGGHH!
* I think he drives too fast but that's me. (3)
He really isn't an animal lover so he really doesn't care much for Winston (my
cat). Although I have caught him on occasion petting him. Hee hee
* He has a tendency to leave his towel after he's dried himself on the doorknobs, chairs, etc....everywhere except in the bathroom where it belongs.
* He doesn't scrape the food off his plate.
He says there is only one thing that can upset him... me getting upset... LOL,
so he wants me to stay happy and calm and well why don't you just put me in a
jar and screw a lid on real tight!
* Mutually incompatible reactions to stress.
* Do dishes? Not my husband!
* If I ever want to hide anything from him, I put it with the cleaning supplies!
*...He has perfect teeth, even without flossing
Not dressing up for Xmas.
* His work clothes - especially this Rogers t-shirt - when he has to do some jobs around the house.
* Documentaries that he likes to watch on TV.
* Meal decisions - sometimes it's liking pulling teeth.
Expects me to learn to drive a standard (with him teaching me!)
* Leaves all autism research & battles up to me (not that he's not interested, just thinks I'm the one who should)
* Has conveniently forgotten how to cook
* Has also forgotten where the vacuum cleaner is.
* After 11 years of marriage, I don't analyze too much anymore!!
HE is very organized -lol not a bad thing but it’s hard for an ADDer.
* He drives me crazy when he harps on all the things he thinks I can do (like finishing my degree) LOL -
* He works too hard - but he does it for us.
* There aren't very many negatives about Rob.
I wish he still looked at me the way he used to before everything in our lives
turned upside down.
* I wish he still said "I love you" before I said it first.
* I wish he would tell me what I could do to make him happy, whether it would hurt me or not.
thinks I'm mad at him every time I try talking to him about us
* He don't get as into the boys and helping them as much I do
* He don't know where the break is on the car
* He took away the tools so I can't try to fix the cars wile he is al work
* ...He makes gray hair look GORGEOUS!!! Okay, so I like that one...LOL
POST OF THE WEEK
by BBB Autism Member Khris
>>I was just going back through
some posts, and caught one from you to me that I never saw about J. You asked
what I attributed his progress to (he was diagnosed PDD-NOS and with mild MR
just after his 3rd birthday, probable Asperger's Syndrome with
obsessive/compulsive tendencies at 4 1/2 and no "official" dx, but
the pediatric neurologist that just saw him at 5 said he is AD/HD and nothing
else) Anyway, he never was "severe" in any sense of the word- always
somewhat social, starting talking at 11 months with no regression, had some
imaginative play from early on, etc. But he also has come a long way. I think
some things that really helped him were:
1) the pure luck that we discovered his sensitivity to dairy at an early age
2) having a parent who really understood what it felt like
3) never letting his Autism be a reason to exempt J. from regular life experiences (although we modify things to make it more pleasant for all involved- i.e. we may go to a party but only stay for an hour)
4) carrying over the interventions used in therapy to everyday life (which requires some reading and exploration on parents part)
5) we practice a somewhat predictable routine, but throw a wrench into things every so often, and are always aware of new obsessions forming and try to expand them before they become a rigid routine<<
are a few of my Happy Secrets....
Marriage, patience, crisis and the power of time...
by BBB Autism member Becca
FEATURED ARTICLE Stresses on Families
often in seen in families with a disabled child is one parent who stays as
remote from the situation as possible while another's involvement borders on
obsession. The withdrawn parent may be just as concerned, but either doesn't
have the coping skills or has delegated responsibility to the more-involved
partner. Generally--but not always--fathers tend to withdraw, and mothers tend
to jump in with both feet.
relationship with my husband is changed due to his (and most males', I'm
finding) lack of whatever it takes to deal with this disability.
--Holly, mother of three-year-old Max (diagnosed PDD-NOS and apraxia of speech)
is not healthy for either parent, nor does it really benefit the child.
Parents need to keep the lines of communication open, even when job
responsibilities and schedule conflicts force one partner to be more directly
involved in activities like in-home ABA training, attending school meetings,
or talking with doctors.
Set up a time
each week to talk about events and, perhaps more importantly, feelings and
frustrations. Try to find ways to keep the parent who has a tendency to pull
back actively involved. Perhaps that parent can take part in some rambunctious
playtime while the other fixes dinner, or can take on a special weekend
activity, such as Scouting, team sports, or a hobby. The trick is to actually schedule
these activities and make sure that they happen. It's a rare pair of parents
who are absolutely fifty-fifty in their involvement, but for the sake of their
partnership, the most-involved parent needs to know
that there will be regularly
break times ahead.
...and because we all agree that humor helps so much....
Prayer for the Stressed
me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today
because they got on my nerves
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.
me to give 100% at work..
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
AN IDEA TO INVOLVE
THE SPOUSE WHO WITHDRAWS
During our spousal chats, we discussed how some of our husbands/wives have withdrawn since the diagnoses of our ASD kids.
It is important to ask yourself why your spouse has withdrawn. One reason may be that s/he simply doesn't feel equipped to handle the enormity of it all. S/he may be leaving all the planning, researching and organizing to you due to feelings of inadequacy. After all, who better to do everything than you?
One way to involve your spouse is to educate them. This doesn't have to be done in lecture mode, a simple way of keeping them informed about your child's day to day life is an Emergency Binder.
The main reason for such a binder is, of course, in the event of an emergency. The withdrawn spouse might be feeling they would become completely lost in the event of illness or hospitalization, so they have to be armed with a tool to help.
The binder contains pertinent information about your child...assessments, physical issues and more, but also contains a list of names, addresses and phone numbers of every professional that sees him/her. There is a description of what each person does and how often s/he is seen. Bus information should be included. Name of drivers and arrival/departure times are essential.
You can also include an up-to-date calendar. Very important to add is a medication guide. Not only with meds, overseeing docs and their doses, but also warning signs to look out for in overdose and/or side effects. All allergies should be listed here as well.
Don't leave out school information. Your child's favorite subjects and teachers (also important for buying small gifts at end of year), a schedule indicating gym days and things your child likes to take for lunch.
Tell your spouse you have put this together and let him/her know where the binder is. Ask for input. This will hopefully encourage your spouse to read and learn.
Please remember to have several copies of this binder; one to be kept outside the home (in a safe deposit box) and another at a family/friend's home.
Education is empowering, it just
might help your spouse to feel comfortable in adding more to your child's
Good luck to us all!
(cut and paste these links into your browser)
Parenting Children With Developmental Disabilities http://www.mrrc.npi.ucla.edu/ddip/YR2000/AGuo/index.htm
Support for families with Special Needs (Government of Canada) http://www.cio-bic.gc.ca/children-enfants/09_e.htm
The Risk and Prevention of Maltreatment of Children with Disabilities http://www.calib.com/nccanch/pubs/prevenres/focus.cfm
Direct and Indirect Financial Support for Families (covering USA, Canada, United Kingdom, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand) http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/financial.html
Anger Management http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/angermanagement/index.htm
The Divorce Support Page http://www.divorcesupport.com/
Avoiding Divorce http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/avoidingdivorce/index.htm
Surviving Divorce http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/survivingdivorce/index.htm
Self Assessment Tools for Stress http://stress.about.com/cs/selfassessment3/index.htm
Parent and Family Issues: Stress and Knowledge http://people.uncw.edu/kozloffm/familyautism.html
BBB Autism Support Network http://www.bbbautism.com/club_front_page.htm#club_new_front_page
10 Quick Time Management Tips http://stress.about.com/library/weekly/aa041601a.htm
Avoid these 10 Stress Pitfalls http://stress.about.com/library/weekly/aa122600a.htm
Psychology Self Help Resources on the Internet http://www.psywww.com/resource/selfhelp.htm
Anti-stress Kit http://www.mothersfromhell2.org/humor/antistresskit.htm
Is Divorce Written in our DNA? http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99991002
Supporting and Empowering the Family http://www.kidsource.com/NICHCY/parenting.disab.all.4.4.html
Survival Guide for Marriage and Money http://womensinvest.about.com/blmarriage.htm?once=true&
Arguing Isn't Always Bad http://stress.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.charisma.net%2Fstrang%2Fnm%2Fstories%2Fny197115.htm
How to Fight Fairly http://marriage.about.com/library/howto/htfight.htm?once=true&
When to Tell Your Spouse: "We Have a Problem" http://stress.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.marriagebuilders.com%2Fgraphic%2Fmbi8115_prob.html
Be Free of Guilt and Resentment http://stress.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.effectiveliving.com%2Fforgive.htm
The Unaffectionate Spouse http://divorcesupport.about.com/library/weekly/aa072199.htm?once=true&
New Beginnings; What to Do, What to Do... http://fly.hiwaay.net/~garson/ljames0601.htm
Marriages: Where Can They Turn for Help? http://marriage.about.com/library/weekly/aa071299.htm?once=true&
August's newsletter schedule
is half done, and I am asking for your favorite links, plus stories and articles
you have written yourself on the following topics:
1. Home programs: this includes anything you have on ABA/IBI, OT, SLP, Floortime, Miller method, Options, gfcf diet, sensory diet, swim therapy, music therapy and anything you can think of. Hints for hiring (and firing) employees...anything of that nature.
2. Difficult Behaviors: this includes violence, self-injurious behavior and also issues like stimming, echolalia, puberty, masturbation, inappropriate behavior of any kind. Stories of how you handle these behaviors in public would be precious to all our readers...
Thanks for all your support,
UPCOMING THEMED CHATS:
Thursday, July 26 Sensory Integration hosted by Liz 1:00pm and 8:30pm EST..
Convert to your time zone here. http://www.timezoneconverter.com/cgi-bin/tzc.tzc
Regular chats take place Mon-Fri at 1pm and 8:30 pm daily. If no one is in the chat room when you get there...give it a chance. You never know who might drop in!
Society Ontario – York Region Chapter
thrilled to be presented with a cheque for
as one of the two benefiting charities for the proceeds from the
8th Annual Town of Richmond Hill Mayor’s Charity Golf Tournament.
sincere thanks to the following VOLUNTEERS who gave of their time and enthusiasm
on June 18th at Richmond Hill Golf Club and Richmond Hill Country
The success of this event was due to the ORGANIZING COMMITTEE:
TOWN OF RICHMOND HILL: Lynton Friedberg, Arnie Warner, Christine Morgan, Marg Dunn, Bruce Gilmour, David Dexter.
ROYAL BANK FINANCIAL GROUP: Ross Pountney
AUTISM SOCIETY ONTARIO: Lynda Beedham
YELLOW BRICK HOUSE: Lisa Rae
RICHMOND HILL GOLF CLUB: Winston Jageshar & Bruce Pridham
Our sincere thanks to the many Sponsors and Contributors that have made this Tournament such a success !
Metrus Development Inc., Richmond Hill Golf Club, Royal Bank Financial Group, Town of Richmond Hill
AMEC Inc., Club Markham, Le Firme, Outback Steakhouse, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Rocfern International Galleries Inc., Rogers Cable, Sheraton Parkway Toronto North, The Octagon, Toronto Redi-Mix Limited, West Photo, Wilson Niblett Chev Olds Corvette, Wycliffe Elgin West Limited, Zawadzki Armin Stevens Architects Inc.
Aztech Communications, Baif Developments Limited, DocuCom Imaging Solutions Inc., Geobiron Inc., ITC Systems, Miller Paving Limited and Miller Waste Systems, R & R Houseboat Rentals Limited, Skylar Media Group Inc., Teranet Inc.
Mayor William F. Bell, Aylesworth Thomson Phelan O’Brien
LLP, A & L Medical Systems, Ballymore Development Inc., Bank of Nova Scotia,
Borden Ladner Gervais LLP, Bratty and Partners LLP, Canadian PGA, Crestline
Computer Solutions Inc., Dr. Katherine O. King, Duke of Richmond Developments,
Earth Tech (Canada) Inc., Electronic Imaging Systems Corp., The Eyeglass Factory
Ltd., Fila Canada Inc., Hepcoe Credit Union, Minacs Worldwide, New Directions in
Health, Nor-line Plumbing & Mechanical Ltd., The NT CIA Group, Petro Canada,
Richmond Hill Chamber of Commerce, Richmond Hill Refrigeration Heating & Air
Conditioning Inc., Richmond Hill Suzuki Subaru, Richmond Hill Toyota, Richmond
Hill Hydro, Romill Security Systems, Single Point of Contact Telecom, Sorenson
Page Chrysler Dodge Jeep, Tesoro Osteria, The Liberal, York Regional Police
Councillor Arnie Warner, Regional & Local Councillor
David Barrow, Ainley & Associates Limited, Allen & Sherriff Architects
Limited, Alliance Fitness Corporation, Bell ActiMedia, Blind Design and Drapes
Inc., Bradford Highlands Golf Club, Canadian Airlines International Ltd.,
Canfloyd Trading Limited, Cardinal Golf Club, Cineplex Odeon Corporation, CN
Tower, Coors Canada, Country Style Food Services Inc., Craig Security Inc.,
Curtis Enterprises, Deer Creek Golf and Country Estates, Delta Pinestone Resort,
Dynamic Direct Courier, Dynes Jewelers, Effem Inc., Enbridge Consumers Gas,
Enbridge Home Services, e-vent Imaging Inc., Gamma Foundries Limited, Goodlife
Fitness Clubs, Grand and Toy, Helenic Canadian Community of York Region, Hemson
Consulting Ltd., Hockley Valley Resort, Indian Motorcycle Cafe, Innocom, Jean
Macdonald Beautyworks Inc., Dorothy Jonas, Gerald Jonas, Ken’s Art &
Picture Frame Place, Kodiac Gallery, L.J. Repath & Associates, Labatt
Breweries Ontario, Leoni’s Italian Kitchen, Lone Star Cafe, MacViro
Consultants Inc., Manulife Financial - Canadian Division, Maple Leaf Consumer
Foods, Marshall Macklin Monaghan, Frank Merlihan, Mill Run Golf and Country
Club, Moulinex Canada Ltd., Net Electric Ltd., Nortex Roofing Ltd., Oakridge
Golf Club, Oland Specialty Beer Company, Parachute School of Toronto, Paramount
Canada’s Wonderland, Parkview Golf Club, Peller Estates, Patricia Phillips,
Quebecor Printing, Randomlane Industries Ltd., Raptor Mascot, Raptors
Foundation, Sandgate Construction Inc., Schlumberger Canada Limited, Selena
Coffee Ltd., George Seretis, Signature Restaurants, Silver Lakes Golf &
Country Club, Sleepy Hollow Golf & Country Club, Spezzo, St. Louis Bar and
Grill, Stacey Electric Company Limited, Stage West All Suite Hotel, Studio
Seven, Sunrise Poultry, The Beauty Supply Outlet, The Ontario Jockey Club, The
Pheasant Run Golf Club, The Putting Edge, The Second City, The Special Needs
Planning Group, The Fan 590 Sports Radio, Thornhill Golf & Country Club,
Toronto Colony Hotel, Toronto Maple Leafs, Town of Richmond Hill, Trattoria Pane
e Vino, Uniglobe Intercontinental Travel Inc., Uplands Golf & Ski Club,
Venner Woodworking Ltd., Waterford Wedgwood Canada Inc., Whimsical Keepsakes,
Wine Kitz, Xebec Imaging Services, Yamaha Canada.
Acapulco Pools, Alfresh Beverages Canada Corporation,
Annadale Golf & Country Club, Aurora Overhead Door Inc., Black & Decker
Canada Inc., Brew Kettle, Michael Burgess, Bushwood Golf Club, Canadian Thermos
Products Inc., Classic Fire Protection Inc., Code 4 Fire & Rescue, Compugen
Canada, Al Cordery, Corporate Express Canada Inc., DSA Marketing, Embassy Suites
Hotel, Galaxie Diner, Identicam Systems Canada Ltd., Il Fornello Restaurants, Il
Piatto Vecchio Ristorante, !ndigo Books Music & Cafe, Innova Envelope, J.P.
Hammill & Sons Ltd., Jack Astor’s, Just Desserts, Laser Quest Richmond
Hill, Loblaws (Bernard St.) Peggy Lung, McMichael Canadian Art Collection, Mix
99.9, Motive Parts Plus Inc., Pepsi-Cola Canada Ltd., Planet Hollywood Canada,
Remy’s Restaurant, Richmond Hill Auto Parts, Richmond Hill Auto Spring,
Richmond Hill Hydro, Richview Nursery, Robin Hool Multifoods Inc., Second Cup,
Sheraton Florist, Sports Equipment of Toronto Ltd., Swish Maintenance Limited,
The Keg, The Spa at the Elmwood, The Liberal, Toronto Airways Ltd., Trails,
Trans-Video Inspection Ltd., Wachenhut, Wayne Gretzky’s Restaurant,
Windflower, Yonge & 7 Plymouth Chrysler, Yuk Yuk’s International.
Thank you to any supporters who may not have been mentioned.
CONTAINS PRACTICAL INFORMATION BY
PARENTS FOR PARENTS Available on request, e-mail mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org and ask for: (now available in PDF format)
notice to our readers...
founders of this newsletter and the BBB Autism support club are not physicians.
newsletter references books and other web sites that may be of interest to
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