BBB Autism Support Network and Autism Society of Ontario (York Region Chapter)
NEWSLETTER
Volume 2, Issue 3 ~ October 24, 2001
About this issue: Parents...are the most important link in the chain of their child's life. Parents of children with ASD are on the firing line day and night with school, home and community. Being a parent of a child with ASD is a full-time job in itself, without the added stress of being an Advocate, Teacher, Spouse, mother to other kids and having a career. We feel their stumbling blocks and our hearts ache as we watch them struggle and sometimes, give up...
However, the most important thing that parents must be encouraged to remember is that they are doing and putting all of their love into what is best for their child. What more could a child ask?
Recently at the BBB Autism Support Network, there have been a series of messages regarding stress. It is no wonder it comes up frequently this time of year. We are dealing with settling in schools, IPRCs, IEPs, ISA funding, 504s, amendments, attachments, not to mention trying to come up with ideas for lunch every day! We worry about expulsions and suspensions...our hearts break in two at the thought of someone bullying or teasing our sweet ones...Yes, we ARE stressed.
We are trying not to think about Halloween and (God forbid) Christmas and Hanukah (right around the corner according to the commercials). Since this generally isn't a time we can take a vacation (if at all), we thought we'd present an issue dedicated to helping us all feel better. Many of the strategies you will read about are not specific to Autism Spectrum Disorder, they are little ways to try to relax and take a breather.
I hope you enjoy this issue!
Liz
How We Reduce Stress
By BBB Autism Members Khris, Tina, Bernie, Juli, Liz, Debbie (NJ), Brian
* I cut back: evaluate which things absolutely have to be done now, and let all the rest go for now. I also make sure to take time to do something I enjoy.
* Aromatherapy! If I get time to myself, a nice warm bath and a fantastic book. My favorite scents are Lavender and Bergamot, I burn a candle, pour the essential oil into the tub....ah Heaven! When I was really good, a big hard work-out, including weights did more than anything else I've ever tried!
*
On Days where my youngest is
home I try to use relief to get the day to myself...if not I get lots of fun
things for her to do on her own and we go to park when its nice...no rushing
home so no stress from leaving before she's ready.
* Mostly I have gotten a lot of reading done...After supper when its the kids free
TV time I escape upstairs to my room and read until their bedtime. About an hour
or so.
* During the day I take walks and even started to do things for me. Losing weight
is my current goal.
* When kids are home and they start fighting and carrying on I avoid stress by
nipping the battle as soon as it appears to be brewing. You know the signs: loud
thump; tell-tale annoyed noise from older siblings. Sending kids to separate areas
works. Girls go play Barbies and Ryan - give him
paper and he's quiet and oblivious to everyone.
* I have also found that leaving the housework go a bit lowers my
stress. Dishes
don't have to be cleaned ASAP. They can wait until later.
* A nice cup of tea right after last kid leaves for school is a great way to
unwind from the hectic morning. A light breakfast gives you some energy to go
for a walk and enjoy the beautiful fall weather.
* Well, this is a tough one
for me. Dear hubby and I have enrolled in a stress study because I think this is an
area that I need help in. I work full-time and it's difficult to devote time
just to myself. Before I know it the day is already gone. I have enrolled in a
Yoga class that the college is offering in January. Hopefully the breathing and
relaxing will help.
* But when I have the time I try to take long hot showers and try to go in for a
massage every now and then. Sometimes I have to just put things aside and
instead hit the bed earlier than usual. But this is hard for me because I'm so
rigid in my ways. I tell you, I have a lot to work on!
* Got more organized. It seemed like more work at first and it was but now things are more in order - toys, files, revamped a few rooms with new shelves etc. At least things don't LOOK like I'm stressed out!
* Started taking time everyday while the kids are here to myself and
"train" them that it's my time. Lately it's at 4:00 and I grab a
magazine and check out who's on Rosie. Some days it's only a ten-minute break
but it works and they are learning the world doesn't revolve around them.
* I'm asking for help and I'm
delegating! This was so hard for me but I almost lost it at the end of the
summer and needed help so now I have my mom babysit one night a week so we can
get out for a few hours. My sister has sat two nights in the last month as well
and I've applied for more respite hours.
* I hang out with Diana and
now sometimes Liz and watch Food Network and drink! I could go on but I'll
save that for the book!
* I get away from the stress of the kids by doing the school thing and also
working out which I have neglected for a few days due to sinus infections and
tests AARRRGHHH and I LOVE the whirlpool thing too!
* I sat down at the keyboard ready to write my list of ways to beat stress and
realized that right now I am too stressed to think of any. So I think I'll just
sit back and reflect on the suggestions I've read so far, try to break down this
mountain of stress into some more manageable piles, and get a fresh start on
eliminating it. I read once that we don't need to learn how to cope with stress
better--we need to learn how to eliminate it from our lives. Otherwise we just
keep taking more stress in.
How I deal with stress......
by BBB Autism Member
Becca Lynn
Symptoms of Stress
A lack of joy, spontaneity, happiness, or enthusiasm.
An intolerance of people and irritability, especially during discussions or disagreements.
Outbursts of anger.
Difficulty in concentrating or an inability to make minor decisions.
The beginning or increased use of alcohol or drugs (prescription or other).
Restlessness or difficulty being alone.
A loss of efficiency in work or school.
A preoccupation with certain thoughts, especially negative ones.
Frequent physical illnesses and/or delayed recovery.
Persistent nightmares and the recurrence of disturbing dreams.
A psychosomatic illness, such as an unexplainable rash.
Withdrawal from friends and social situations.
STRESS BUSTERS ANONYMOUS
by BBB Member Lynn in BC
I know about the losing yourself in stress part because I was "super
mom" for 2 years! I worked full time, was leader in charge of a Brownie
Group, President of the Parent association, Landscaping committee chair for our
townhouse complex and contact mom for BOTH kids soccer teams! My hubby started
to complain about how I was never home, and how when I was home I was either
exhausted or grouchy. It took me another year to figure out that I was stretched
out beyond my limits and I had to cut back drastically! Now I am a leader for
Guides but not in charge - just a body! I am on the PAC but not in charge just the
fundraising rep and I work 4 days now! And that is it! And the kids love it and
the hubby loves it and I can't figure out how I did all the rest and enjoyed
myself because I just like staying home! So my advice is learn to say NO and
know your limits! And listen to your family! They are telling you if you are
stressed and they are stressed too!
My stress busters -
Two categories:
1: with kids in house - find a movie for children to watch and escape to
computer or a book both of which are in the privacy of my room. If the kids are
not interested in the movie take everyone for a walk. The fresh air helps clean
the senses and the mind both for me and for the kids. (of course we can see the
air here so how fresh it is not certain). Family Game night! Believe it or not
this is a really family stress buster! It gives the kids time to relax and be
with you in a fun atmosphere. It doesn't matter what the game is either! Alex
likes soccer and in the summer we play soccer! In the winter we play board
games! Its amazing what comes out during these times and sometimes we have
stopped the game to deal with an issue of stress in our children's lives!
2: kids are off to school - I find a good sappy movie and watch it. Or a sappy
romance novel (Harlequin is my friend) (even like their online stories!) I have
been known to shop! Now I can't afford to shop for no reason so even just going
to grocery shop is good... I live in a city that is surrounded by farms so I go
to the country to the "farmers Market" for veggies and to what my kids
have dubbed "the meat farm" for my meat products. This gives me a 20
minute drive on country roads with good music and it is very stress relieving!
Smile! Its the best stress reliever!
Lynn
PREVENTING PARENT BURNOUT:
Parenting is particularly difficult and stressful when children do not "measure up" to family or community expectations. Parents need assistance in coping with their own feelings and frustrations;
INTERNAL STRESS:
Beliefs that Lead to Internal Stress:
Giving 100% every day is what every parent is expected to do.
The success or failure of my children depends entirely on me.
I will never be bored as a parent.
I will be seen by society as a good and honorable person because of the effort I put into being a good parent.
I refuse to let anyone else care for or influence my child.
I should always deny my own needs for rest and recreation in order to help my children.
I should spend every possible moment with my children.
I should feel guilty if I need a break or want some attention for myself.
I should do everything for my children and not require that they take on responsibilities that they are old enough to handle.
One role in my life can satisfy all my needs and can support all my dreams.
LINKS GALORE!!!
Managing Traumatic Stress: Tips for Recovering from Disasters and Other Traumatic Events
Stress UK (includes; finding a therapist in the UK, Consulting, and What to Expect in a Session)
Headaches: Alternative Treatments
PARENT'S RIGHTS
* The Right to Feel Angry
* The Right to Seek Another Opinion
* The Right to Privacy
* The Right to Keep Trying
* The Right to Stop Trying
* The Right to Set Limits
* The Right to Be a Parent
* The Right to be Unenthusiastic
* The Right to be Annoyed
* The Right to Time Off
* The Right to be the Expert in Charge
* The Right to Dignity
HOW DO WE COMBAT STRESS WHILE OUR KIDS ARE WITH US
By BBB Autism Members Liz, Becca Lynn, Lynn D, Khris, Chris, Juli, Tina, Brian
1 My son requires constant supervision due to seizures and general 'getting into everything'-ness. We have made the basement family room as safe as possible. We have installed a gate and have an incredibly comfortable "man couch" (big leather sectional with two lazyboys, pull out couch and drink holders). I don't have a ton of toys down there...that way I am not stressing about mess. I sit down there with them, they watch TV, I read a book and sip herbal tea (mint or licorice). It's not perfect, but it does help me.
1
Don't sweat the small stuff. Think twice and evaluate whether it really is
something worth reacting to with stress.
1 Use
supervision time to do relaxing things for yourself. I use my cuddly kids to
cuddle... lowers blood pressure. Other things include Arts and Crafts drawings,
knitting, latch hooking, writing letters etc... Anything that you can drop at a
moment's notice. You don't always have to be giving all of your time to the
kids... just because they need supervising... doesn't mean you can't do
something for yourself.
1 Music....
music really sets the tone.... can relax you and change the way your children
are behaving too.
1 Deep Breathing
and Meditation. I like to focus on an object like a tree out a window.
1 Get deeply
involved with my children and what they are doing.... boredom gives me stress
and resentment.
1 I
try not to get to involved with my housework or other things like computer
unless my husband is home with us. I get too stressed trying to maintain a clean
house and getting involved in my own interests doesn't work because the kids
want ALL of my attention. So I don't do these things (which explains a lot about
the way my house looks) all it does is stress me out more. I try and get
the kids outside for fresh air, let them run in the back yard, play on the
swings or trampoline with them. Aptiva also helps keeps me from
getting stressed out too. I don't recommend this route unless under a doctor's
care. LOL. Seriously, though, I do need this at times to keep my head
level. Just taking things one thing at a time. You have to. Otherwise you
get too overwhelmed.
1 If
I need to "do something" (i.e. make lunch, make a phone call, clean
something, etc) I let the kids pick a video to watch to distract them. We read
lots of books together and as strange as it may sound to some people, family
baths are a wonderful "de-stressor" for the aqua lovers in our house
(it's kind of like a hot-tub if u wear a swimsuit, only not quite so hot)
1
I have
a box we keep in the kitchen and the kids will get the box out and have learned
the rules of it has to stay on the table and they can be busy forever with it.
There are the various cookie cutters, plastic knives, tc. and they love this. It
serves as sensory therapy for N but don't tell him. LOL The only problem I ever
have with this is when L tries to sneak in plastic figures (the kind from
McDonald's). N has a major fear of these and will withdraw and won't even speak.
He will write me a note and say L has her toys out of her room. Can you tell her
to put them back? LOL
1 I have an awful
time with this because I work at home and clients tend to drop by unannounced
plus phone calls etc. I've really lowered my expectations of what I can
accomplish when they are around the house. I try to do a big outing type thing -
park, pool, mall - and some table and floor work so that I don't feel guilty
sticking in a video when I do have to work.
1 My
basement is a messy place. Toy box, crafts - basically a play zone that
they may trash if they wish. Clean up later before bed. Living room is where the
computer is. K has taken an interest in our computer so now when I need
time to read or do course things I put on her favorite game and it keeps her
quiet for a while. R's room is the kids TV room...Teletoon 24/7...or my TV
place if kids want a movie and I want to watch something...we use to have a vcr
in there but K discovered pennies fit nicely in vent holes lol! Girls room
is Barbie's play zone. When both the girls are home they will play Barbies for
hours up there...guess furnishing Barbie with entire household of furniture was
a good investment. Also doubles as a mini disco lol...sometimes I swear they are
gonna boogie themselves through the floor lol!
1 If
all else fails I plan a day for myself and call the relief worker to take
whoever is home. These are usually scheduled on a K home day...so at least I can
have day to myself. Makes the weekend more bearable if I've had a week of days
free. My backyard is a mini park...R will swing outside for hours no matter what
the weather. It's raining here right now and he's out swinging.. (swings
under a very dense tree and hardly gets wet)
1 I
also have talent of tuning out everything and only un-zoning when I hear a bad
bang. i.e. kid falling things shattering etc ..dear hubby can't figure out
difference. I freak N out by not only telling her what room it fell in but what
the material it is made out of and if it broke or just fell lol. Sometimes
I even tell her what it was exactly and where it fell from. I know my house too
well lol!
1 JAPANESE
RICE WINE - SAKE !!! Lots of it!! NO actually, I am
in a better position in some ways then the rest of you, I am not sounding
preachy but I just try to do things with the boys because I know that they are
with me but will have to go to her (my ex's) house in a few days, I try not to
do anything overly time consuming while they are there just do things with them
like, we pop popcorn or make a stir n frost cake (I KNOW I KNOW not good for the
weighty issues group nor myself but beats heavy doses of sake! ;0P)
1 As
long as I'm keeping them busy, we're fine. There's a craft shop up the street
and I've brought things from soap making kits to bath tub finger painting. If
the kids are pre-occupied then they're fine. It's when they are not, that things
get rough because then my 8 year old starts with the whining and it's all down
hill from there. I try to get the two to do some collaborative activities which
seem to work. But definitely keeping them busy!
A SPOONFUL OF HUMOUR